All heiresses are beautiful.
……………………………..John Dryden, English Poet, 1631 – 1700
Photo Source: State Library Qld
Anti-Wrinkle Creams: When Hope Conquers Experience
by Kerry Cue
Most men running the major beauty corporations,
where you undoubtedly have spent
a lot of money,
think you’ve lost it at 50.
– Andrea Robinson, Toss the Gloss: Beauty Tips, Tricks & Truths for Women 50+
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Apply daily and avoid gravity for the next 40 years?
In the New York Times this week Bea Shipiro interviews Andrea Robinson, who worked in the cosmetic industry developing products for Revlon (Ultima II Naked collection ) and L’Oreal. The cosmetic industry veteran has just published a book titled “Toss the Gloss: Beauty Tips, Tricks & Truths for Women 50+”
Her book, according to Robinson, intends to “unconfuse” older women whom the industry has already dismissed. (We’re well aware of being dismissed by the industry.)
The person to ‘unconfuse’ 50+ women is Bobbi Brown, 56, the author of “Living Beauty”. According to Bobbi Brown, whose book has remained in print since 2007:
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“There is no cream that is ‘anti-aging’ ……. There is no cream that fixes wrinkles.”
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In fact, in Australia it is illegal to claim that a cream can reduce wrinkles. If an anti-wrinkle cream can do anything it is not a cosmetic.
It is a pharmaceutical product and must be tested. As a result, ads for cosmetic creams have developed a convoluted language to convince women that they do something that, legally, they are not allowed to do. A Multi Revitalifting Visage Night Creme will provide ‘hydradiance’ or ’luminescence’. Obviously, such creams do not reduce wrinkles, but you get to glow in the dark.
If you pay big money for an ‘anti-aging’ cream remember it doesn’t do anything, but at least you can be comforted in the knowledge that, philosophically speaking, it is opposed to the concept of aging.
Kerry Cue is a humorist, journalist, mathematician, and author. You can find more of her writing on her blog. Her latest book is a crime novel, Target 91, Penmore Press, Tucson, AZ (2019)
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At my age, doctor, John Glen was an astronaut!
by Kerry Cue
The United States contains more people aged 65 and older than the total population of Canada.
…………………………….The Demographics of Aging Report
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At your age, what do you expect?
When consulting with your doctor about some illness or injury, you may hear the words, “Well, at your age, what do you expect?” In other words, your illness is ‘your age’. You may want to respond, “At my age, Doctor, John Glen was an astronaut”. John Glen went into space at 77 years of age! Unfortunately, your health provider would more than likely mumble [under their breath], “You’re no John Glen”.
Now imagine you are a 70-year -old American with a painful knee. What does it actually mean if your doctor glibly comments ‘Well, at your age, what do you expect?’ According to the statisticians there are 18 million Americans in your 65 – 74-year-old age group. As there are 18 million Americans ‘your age’ does that mean they are all limping about the place because of painful knees? The flaw in this logic is simple. You cannot make assumptions about the health of one person from group statistics. When the sample size is 18 million, such assumptions become a joke.
If your doctor thinks YOUR AGE is the disease, he or she might miss a more specific diagnosis. How do you respond to this type of comment by a medical practitioner? One 70-year-old had the answer. In her book, [published over 30 years ago!], ‘Mirror, Mirror, The Terror of Not Being Young’, author, Elissa Melamed, tells the story of a 70-year-old who visited her doctor with a painful right knee. “You’re 70 years old, what do you expect?” he insisted. “My left knee is 70 too”, she replied, “and it’s fine”.
Kerry Cue is a humourist, journalist, mathematician, and author. You can find more of her writing at her blog. Her latest book is a crime novel, Target 91, Penmore Press, Tucson, AZ (2019)
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Thanks for the Mammaries
I’m not senile … if I burn the house down it will be on purpose!
I’m not senile… If I burn the house down it will be on purpose.
…………………………………..Margaret Attwood, The Blind Assassin
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Age makes weary, but words condemn.
Old age creeps up on us all, but we can stay lively all our lives. Old Age, however, has had a long history of bad press. As a consequence, it is very easy to develop a ‘geriatric’ mindset and start using geriatric language. This is how it works. One day, without realising it, you say ‘I had a fall’ rather than ‘I fell over’, ‘I had a funny turn’ instead of ‘I felt dizzy’ and ‘My mind is going’ or ‘I can’t remember a thing’ in stead of ‘I forgot’.
This is important. Research shows that immersing yourself in ‘debilitating’ language slows you down. Scientists have actually measured the walking pace of subjects. Young and old. The reverse is also true. Using ‘energetic’ language will speed you up.
What more can I say? Go wild. It’ll do you some good.
Reference: How to Age, Anne Karpf, The School of Life (2014), p48
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Celebrity Shock Photo!
One day I woke up and there was a 70 year old woman in my bed.
Gloria, Steinem, Feminist. (How to Age, Anne Karpt, The School of Life (2014))
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Ever had a bad photo? Could be worse.
This one could melt your eyeballs!
Celebrities are pegged in our memories at the age when they were at the peak of their celebrityhood. This is just how the brain works. We remember famous folk when we loved or hated them the most.
As a result we are often shocked when we see how much a celebrity has aged. ‘OMG. They’re ancient.’ In reality, they have aged as much as we have. Take Shirley Temple, for instance. She was always 8 years old. This woman who pretended to be Shirley Temple Black with a diplomatic career was an intruder. Shirley Temple was 8 years old. In fact, she had to have her 8th birthday two years in a row as the studio thought turning 9 was bad for publicity.
So we are often shocked at how quickly celebrities have aged simply because we haven’t noticed them doing it. And we rather enjoy it too. Here is a recent pic of Goldie Hawn (b. 1945). It is an absolute dog of photograph. She doesn’t look nearly as, um, hideous as this, but this happens to be a screen grab used by Huffington Post linking to a video. Yeah! WE all have bad photos. Cue the violins. This is a doozy.
Huffington Post
Screen Grab 24 Jan 2014
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Eileen
by Kerry Cue
Eileen and Tom Meehan Married 1922
This is a photo of my grandparent’s wedding in 1922. The Australian Model T Ford or Tin Lizzie (below) was produced in the 1920s. My grandmother, Eileen, is at the wheel. The boy (obscured) in the photo is my father. My grandparents owned a small wheat farm at Lalbert in the Mallee, Victoria [my father was born nearby at – wait for it – Tittybong].
It was a harsh life. My grandfather, Tom, cleared the land by hand. There was no power, just tank water and kerosene lanterns and 4 kids. The car is important because my grandmother, Eileen, mother of 4 at the time, broke both her wrists crank starting it and her sister, Maggie, reset her sister’s wrists on the kitchen table.
My grandmother broke her wrists crank starting this car
The fires came in the 1930s, burnt the crop and the banks foreclosed as often happened in the Great Depression. My Auntie Dot can remember someone from the bank turning up and not only taking the car, but the bridles off the horses!!!
Life was harsh on the land in Australia in the depression
The local community passed around a hat to pay the train fare for the family to Melbourne. My father, 13 at the time, watched his siblings on the beach at St Kilda, Melbourne, as his parents went in search of lodgings. So terrified were the children of losing their boots, they buried them in the sand to paddle in the water. My grandparents lived in Gurner St, St Kilda for the rest of their lives. As a child, I thought my grandma was stern, but today I see her as tough. A survivor. She died in 1978.
Kerry Cue is a humourist, journalist, mathematician, and author. You can find more of her writing at her blog. Her latest book is a crime novel, Target 91, Penmore Press, Tucson, AZ (2019)
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Thanks for the Mammaries
In my MAIDENFORM BRA ……
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MAIDENFORM BRA LADIES’ HOME JOURNAL 03/01/1954
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Don’t call me ‘Grandma’
by Kerry Cue
“The reason grandparents and grandchildren get along so well is that they have a common enemy.”
……………………… Sam Levenson, American Humourist, 1911-1980
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Baby Boomers Find the ‘Grandma’ Tag Doesn’t Fit
Baby Boomers, apparently, are terrified of being labelled ‘old’. We’re in denial and we refuse to be called grandma. Susan Sarandon (b. 1946), for instance, wants to be called ‘Honey’.
This is not a straightforward issue. Firstly, today a kid can have 4 grandmas, 2 biological grannies and 2 step-grandmamas. Who gets the naming rights? Often, it is first in, first served. So the first-time-grandma may be competing with an established grandma-of-3. To avoid the granny wars, she has to find another name.
If both grandmothers opt for the same ‘nanna’ tag, the kid will soon sort you out. I know a little tyke who called his nannas ‘Chippie Nanna’ and ‘Chocie Nanna’. Obviously, they specialised in crisps and chocolate.
May Procession c 1950s UK
Secondly, women of my generation have fought to be recognised as individuals. Otherwise, our entire identity is dished out as stereotypes: girlfriend, fiancee, wife, mother, grandmother…. Are we expected to revert to a generic brand name in our senior years?
Some will be happy with this option but some won’t. I’m one and I’m not even a grandmother. Our grandmothers, much like my grandma and nanna, were stern, hat-wearing, church-going matrons (see left), who often tut-tutted at, well, every fun thing that happened at family gatherings. I don’t care about being a grandmother, but the name would feel like a millstone around my aging-neck.
What are the options?
Nan: My friend Nan says she’s just growing into her own name!!
Mimi: Kim, called Kimmie by the family, said ‘Let the child decide’. He started calling her ‘Mimi’. She loves it.
Lola: Surprisingly, ‘lola’ is grandma in Filipino (Tagalog). ‘Lolo’ is grandpa. My nephew married the gorgeous, Regina, who is Filipino. His mum gets called ‘Lola Liz’. Now that sounds like a grandma, who is having a damn good time!
Any other suggestions?
Kerry Cue is a humourist, journalist, mathematician and author. You can find more of her writing at her blog. Her latest book is a crime novel, Target 91, Penmore Press, Tucson, AZ (2019)
Once Sex Ed was for -what? – rabbits!
Human reproduction is essentially the same as the rabbit…..
Year 9 Text, Pursuit of Science, Lugg & Rowney, CHESHIRE (1965)
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Yes! You should know about the birds and the bees ………………and, um, rabbits
Sex education was excruciatingly vague for most of us. Here is the total sum of information I received from Kyneton High School in rural Australia in 1965. I turned 13 that year. That was it. Yes! We stormed into the world armed with the knowledge of the sex lives of rabbits.
But, at least, we knew multiple births were rare.
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sibylesque 